The influence

if I weren't so empty, cheap thrills wouldn't be so central in my life

I count down every week to when I can get drunk

it's not just the state of drunkenness itself

I do like the socialization

and the dancing

and I feel like someone

when I am doing those things

although it all disappears once the party is over

and no one remembers you after that

and how they thought you were so cool

which was probably only because both of you were drunk

and the feeling of being desirable is gone after your dance partners are gone

and the feeling of being empowered in your own sexuality is gone when the guy you're making out with assumes he can get in your pants

and the feeling of being sexually free is gone when you limit yourself to guys although you could probably make out with some drunk girl, but then you'd be taking advantage of her

and everything is just gone afterward

including the water in your body

but it feels so good at the time

so you wait for it

and you make people worry because they can't understand what it's like to feel nothing

or if they do, they've forgotten

and don't need a sugar-coated nothing to replace nothing

and so they judge you under the guise of concern

and it kills you because even when you're something worthy in their eyes, you still have nothing

and when you drink against their wishes, you can at least pretend you have something

and are something

Psychonaut

Cool burning in throat.
Not so viscous.
Supremely unpleasant.
Onset in an hour.
Gentle weight.
Lids pulled down slightly like shades.
Absolute calm.
Camaraderie.
Some time passes.
Pull self onto his bed.
Difficulty.
Fall headfirst.
Humor.
Sprawl there smirking.
Soft.
"Play some fucking music!"
Music plays.
Sing along.
Voice a strange entity.
Tranquility, euphoria.
Want my camera.
Intention to document.
Walk up stairs.
Go on first floor.
Live on second.
Giggles to self.
Ascends higher.
Lumber to room.
Return to his.
Back on his bed.
Time passes.
Want to explore third floor.
He agrees.
Slide clumsily off his bed.
Drunkenness.
Floor is closer than expected.
Found walls nudging shoulders.
Rails help up the stairs.
Person on stairway.
"Have a nice weekend, too!"
Smiles to self.
Feigning sober.
Didn't do it right.
Cannot assimilate with humanity.
Back to his room.
Feet no longer on floor.
Whole self is.
Disallowed on his bed again.
Hugging wall.
He takes some pictures.
Sit in chair instead.
More pictures.
Lapse in memory.
More music.
Recognize some of it.
A general thing.
Head and eyelids fall.
Blackness.
Closed-eye visuals.
A row of trees shoots out from the screen.
Lapse in time.
Lapse in memory.
Music.
New visual with each song.
Brown and black patterns.
"I've been here before!"
Seen it in dreams.
"They don't know anything."
"We just go to the same place where we dream."
Like hypnagogia.
"We're all connected."
"Everything is connected."
"I should tell my psych professor."
Lapse in everything.
Inquire about time.
Minutes or hours?
Eyes closed.
Talking?
Everything like a lucid dream.
Open eyes again.
Everything as it should be.
Close them again.
Visuals.
Self in five places.
Five different realities of nonexistence.
Open eyes.
Water bottles?
Knocking things over to get to them.
Leaden limbs.
Immense gravity.
"Oops..."
Instinct brings bottle to mouth.
Muted sensation in lips.
Parched!
Aqua flows down gullet.
Immense nausea.
Greater dehydration.
Stomach in one corner of room.
Throat in another.
Some other part somewhere else.
How are they connected?
Fucked up.
Scared.
Loving it.
"We control our own trips."
Calming.
Head strikes bedpost.
Shades down.
Back to the visuals.
Mouth parts slightly.
Images spread like spilled water.
Pixel by pixel in mind.
The quad.
A restaurant.
Hicks?
Strange yellow room with stucco.
Lamps.
Mix of my dorm and his.
Paintings on the wall.
Try to form her body.
Fail.
Want her.
Let things happen on their own.
Lapse in time.
Open eyes again.
More water.
Still can't believe quantity drank.
Bottle quivers in hand.
Disconnected organs again.
"I don't exist."
Lapse in time.
Lapse in space.
Lapse in self.
Lapse in memory.
Lapse.
Lapse.
Lapse.
Lapselapselapse.
Open eyes perhaps a few times.
"You're going to bed?"
Fear.
He says no.
Pajamas say otherwise.
Somehow manage to get on feet.
Shoes are problematic.
Step on tongue.
Go out door.
Go to lounge.
Lapse in memory.
He is somewhere.
Feel like shit incarnate.
Stuck in two realms.
Doppelgänger?
Blackout.
A girl hovers on the trashcan.
Projectile vomiting.
Lament for the girl.
On foot.
In and out of consciousness.
Voices in background.
View shifts.
Reality sets in.
Saw self in third person.
Peel self from trashcan.
He urges to go.
He urges to go faster.
Forgot how to walk.
Somehow make it to stairs.
Three flights to go.
One step at a time.
Exaggerate steps like a giant.
Drunken people behind.
Probably laughing.
Somehow arrive to second floor.
Go to room.
Put head down on desk.
Align trashcan underneath.
"What should I do?"
Go to bathroom.
Nausea.
Dreaful nausea.
No reprieve.
Return to room.
"I'm a dreadful person."
"I'm so stupid."
"I swear I'll never do anything again."
Lifting head increases nausea.
Keep it down.
"I'm sorry."
Over and over.
He is reassuring.
Abject tiredness.
"I will sleep like this".
Talking.
Mental sobriety creeps back in.
Body plays catch-up.
Lie on floor.
It is a slope.
Cold and hard.
To bed via chair.
Lie sideways.
He leaves with reluctance.
"I'll be okay."
Sleeplessness.
Body is a desert.
Four hours later on feet.
Service-learning, tutoring.
The tutor does drugs.
Morbid humor.
Hangover?
Veiled in a haze.
Errors in perception.
Absolutely lethargy.
...


And I can still taste it on my tongue.

Between a Rock and a Diamond Mine

It's really difficult to condense 10 days of the college life into blogposts. I did not finish the blogpost that I had written on Wednesday because I didn't start blogging until it was rather close to the time I was supposed to leave. I covered the shift from five thirty to seven and you had better believe that once seven oh one got there, I was already out of the door and a good distance from the building! Clock out and run out! Sayonara! I am mad that I did not begin to warm up even as I went outside. In fact, I think I had gooseflesh for a whole hour after I left Antarctica.

Directly after 'work', I went to the inaugural Kaleidoscope meeting, which is K's LGBTQA (I think I am actually missing a letter) group. It was interesting but boring at the same time. There aren't many bisexuals, but there was a curious number of allies. It was surprising and disappointing at the same time, lol. I don't know if I will stay. It would certainly be a departure from what I am used to. I have never been a member of a LGBT group because there wasn't ever one at my high school (and since most of you readers are either alumni or current students, I thought it was strange to say so). It's rather strange. It really hasn't been all that long since I had my revelation. And even so, I think it's like joining the BSO (Black Student Organization). Okay, I'm 'colorful', can we move on? But then again, I have to look at those things beyond their face value and realize that it is mostly about civil rights than a bunch of 'prismatic' people hanging around.

Right now I am at 'work' again, only my boss is still playing this lovely little game with me called Absolutely Do Not Answer Any of Your E-Mails. My work schedule has NOT been approved, but once tonight is over, (a 5-9) I will have already clocked in for 6.5 hours this week, which puts me 3.5 hours behind. I am mad that I have to go home this weekend. I can't afford to be playing catch up with work when I have no other source of income. Today I fell upon the lovely news that I did not get a position for what was my potential second job. What the fuck am I going to do? I can't do anything without some source of income! There is a place hiring in Portage, but I still have not figured out the bus system and no one seems to be particularly helpful.

Actually, let me digress and tell you about how utterly splendid my day has been:

1. I stayed up until 1:30 typing a bullshit-ass paper on goddamn motherfucking bitch-ass Plato, aka The Ancient Greek Asshole. You can tell from my illustrative language how well I am enjoying reading The Republic and writing papers on it!!!!
2. My awesome neighbor and some other cretins woke me up this morning at 4-something. Screaming. Laughing raucously. Stomping and running down the hall. Saying something about someone being high (at this point I nearly sprang from my bed to investigate on the means by which one gets high at K, lol). I wanted to shout STFU, but my voice was tired. As the minutes wore on, I did say "shut the hell up" and "stupid bitches". I do wonder if they heard me. I sort of hope they did. The funny thing is I wanted to see what time it was, but I snapped my fingers and some other random actions (I think I imagined that I had my phone in my hands) for a few seconds before I realized that I actually had to reach over for my phone.
3. Because I was a dumbass last night and decided to procrastinate my ass off instead of writing the paper that I could have started on Wednesday, I had to hurry and finish my paper between 9 and 10. I was successful, thank goodness.
4. I got an e-mail that said that I risked being withdrawn from K and had to get to the business office before 5.
5. My psych class is a service-learning class. My excellent advisor did N-O-T inform me of this as we were going over my schedule. I already ordered the book for my class too, so it's not like I can just get out scott free. But anyway, we have to volunteer three fucking hours a week and then go to some damned reflection sessions to discuss the fucking shit. Once again, my happiness is evident!!! Soooooo, today is the day that we signed up for the service-learning sites. OF COURSE all the times are completely incompatible with my schedule. Wunderbar! Am I really surprised??!? Luckily, there was one that I could do from 10-12 on Saturdays. Oh, how I planned on waking up at 8:30 on Saturday too!!! But as we have learned from elementary math, three minus two still leaves one. One hour that I must volunteer. One hour that I cannot volunteer because the one other site I could actually participate in was booked and of course I have Spanish labs or classes or work!!!!!
6. I went to the library to hunt down my boss with the exceptional communication skills only to discover that he had called in sick for the day. I tried to PERSONALLY talk to him early in the week also to no avail. I wanted to confirm my work hours so I could get back to my other would-be employer about working.
7. As aforementioned, I discovered that said would-be employer filled the position already. Oh joy of joys!!! There's nothing like being broke as hell when you go to a school minutes away from downtown or when the goddamn caf stops serving food at 7pm like we're living in the goddamn 20s and eat dinner so goddamn early and some people have jobs with shitty hours that go through the archaic dinner times (like tonight, how most grand!!!)! Oh, and nothing like you know, wanting things, things that, of course, require some form of actual currency, and NOT FUCKING HAVING ANY!! Life is overrun with blisses!
8. I was walking down a hill and somehow I was no longer standing upright. I buttboarded down the hill for a bit. Actually, that was sort of funny, if you overlook the fact that I am no longer in possession of my pride.
9. As I was hurriedly walking to some place, my backpack decided to spontaneously unzip and so all of the contents went SPLAT right into the grass. There is absolutely nothing like borrowing a book from your Spanish professor (because she wanted you to have the book on the first goddamn day of classes although anyone with a flea-sized brain would have allowed more time) and having to bring it back in pristine condition to have it crash violently into wet grass, crease, and get well...WET! Stray blades of grass on paperback textbooks are ALL THE RAGE this season!! Pages with water wrinkles that stick together? A la mode, of course!!
10. The prof in the lab I covered today would not log off in enough time for me to clock in on time, which of course makes it look like I didn't powerwalk to the damned lab as to NOT be late. I was NOT late (technically I was, but I already discussed the fact that my class got out at 1:05 with the girl whose shift I was covering), but it seems that I was. A bowl of pleasantries!
11. My illustrious seminar professor assigned a fucking group assignment to be done for Monday. As if that weren't a fountain of goodness itself, I am going home tomorrow MORNING and can't try to meet or anything tonight because I am WORKING because I have to FUCKING PAY FOR COLLEGE THROUGH MANUAL LABOR. Damned expensive-ass school. Why didn't I go to Wayne State??? So aside from all the matters that I have to take care of this weekend and orgasmic Plato reading, I have to do a group assignment alone. Well, actually, it requires that I go to the library at K, so it doesn't seem likely that I CAN do it, unless I stay here after I clock out and try to work on it. Of course, I would have liked to discuss this matter with my prof, but I had to dash to the lab DIRECTLY as soon as he shut his incessantly running mouth.
12. I found out that my Michigan Promise scholarship will not be applied until October as I was en route to the business office as to stay in K.
13. I discovered that third week (that's two weeks from now) we have a group presentation (a group of seven, by the way!) in psychology. I LOVE group work, especially projects!!! :D <-- See me smile! In case you missed it, here it is again. ---> :D Oh boy, oh boy! I am bursting at the seams with excitement and my smile is sliding clear across my face past my ears!!! This is the SAAAAAAME week that another, but more extensive paper is due on Plato's Republic. I am ROLLING ON THE GODDAMN MOTHERFUCKING FLOOR IN UTTER ECSTASY AT THIS EXTRAORDINARY NEWS!!!!!!
14. I don't know. That's MORE than enough! My day was shitty and I am about to go fucking BATSHIT INSANE!!!!!!

Final thoughts:

• I hate school again and I am already counting down until break
• I anticipate thoughts of suicide during fifth week (midterms). It's infamous. And I'm already thinking about weaving my hair into a nice sweater.
• I have two more hours and I am bored, lonely, and hungry.
• My blood pressure is still on the rise as I type this.

Until next time! I am afraid!!

Really Fucking Anticlimactic

Right now I am sitting in a freezing computer lab where I have been for the past hour. I have a view of the 15-or-so computers that absolutely no one is sitting in front of. So far it seems like I have the easiest job known to man.

Yes, that's right. A lot has changed since I last blogged, but then, noting the title, not much has either. Since I am on the note of work (and before I begin to elaborate on the changes--and lack thereof--that have skittered across my life), I have a job as a [computer] lab monitor. I have to work at odd hours because I had some technical difficulties and my boss was being a dick. But since I don't really have to do anything (it seems so far) but sit on my ass for stretches of time, I will not complain. Except that this particular room is really fucking cold. I took it with quite the grain of salt when he said that we should bring a sweater to the lab in Dow. My frozen extremities regret this.

Actually, I will complain. I haven't officially started work yet. I am only filling in for someone right now and it is only a 1.5 hour shift. I can't start the rest of this week either, because I am going home to take care of some stuff this weekend. I will have to work extra hours for SURE if I don't wish to pay back K. And on the note of extra hours, I BARELY scraped ten hours with this job and that's exactly what I need just to not owe the school. I have to get an0ther job, apparently. It's really easy to run of of money when you're a college student, ignoring the already glaring and inherently adverse fact that you're broke as hell. Expresso addictions require money to fuel them, or at least ninja-like agility and knowledge of working an expresso machine. A girl can dream...

But to get to the most important part (Don't you love how I've been dribbling on with meaningless drivel for 2.5 paragraphs? Lovely, no?). I'm finally at K. Kalamazoo College is even smaller than I thought, although at the same time, there are still buildings that I have not yet seen (I will elaborate on that later, though). The campus is MARAVILLOSO! Seriously. It's wondrous, fraught with natural aesthetic splendors. It's so...GREEN. The landscaping is immaculate, there are flower beds, there is a zen garden, a fountain surrounded in wildflowers, and TREES galore! It's also like all one bigass hill, which means endless stairs. It gets annoying, and sometimes I just take the shortcut and tramp up and down the hills (I remind myself of the Hulk when I do this). Stairs are good. Walking is good. Exercise is good. But that's another note.

I am in this hall called Trowbridge, which is where all the cool people are. Seriously. I have seen Hoben and I couldn't imagine living there. Trow is just awesome. My room is secluded from the rest of the second floor via this little 'bridge' that adjoins the two parts of the building (it is outdoor). There are about 5-7 other rooms in this wing (Pebble Beach). I have a SINGLE! Say what you will about the roommate experience, but I really couldn't do it. There is nothing better than having a whole space to yourself. I need privacy. I can mingle and shit on my own terms, ya dig? The room itself is a good size, almost as big as my room at home, which isn't really saying much. One girl actually has a room that is BIGGER than my room at home. She also has three closets, whereas I only have one. But c'est la vie. I don't have any fucking clothes, so I really wouldn't need that many closets. Hell, the one I have is actually bigger than the closet I have at home. Why am I talking about closets? Is my room really that boring? Well, I mean, it IS a dorm. Nothing really exciting. My decor is nothing to write home about either, but it is my mother who is the Queen of HGTV (or at least watching it).

My fingers are stiff from the inclement conditions of this lab. I realize it is important to have a well-cooled, well-ventilated room to house computers, but I am sure that it doesn't require a simulation of the Artic Circle. I should file a grievance!! If I catch a cold... And speaking of colds, apparently like the whole second floor of Trow is sick. I didn't even hear about this until today. I surely hope I don't get sick. It's the absolute LAST thing I need right now. But I digress...

I don't really talk to anyone in my hall. They don't talk to me either, with the exception of some half-hearted hellos. If I'm not that lucky, sometimes I will get strange stares, lol. Very lovely. It wouldn't be fair to say that I've never carried on a conversation with anyone there, though. My neighbor immediately to the right of me says some things to me, but I think she's a bit strange. I am sure she must think the same of me. But she...seems to catch me in inopportune times and there is just this other element that adds to the strangeness. The world is full of (llenos de) irony. This one girl who I would never have ever in life (nunca en vida, nie im Leben) spoken to without initiation from her end was one who said the most to me. She's all frills and Hollister, but she seems to be genuinely friendly. If not, she seems to do a damn good job of pretending.

You know what?

I simply don't feel like blogging.
My brain is fried and I'm dead tired.
I couldn't tell you why. I haven't returned to my exercise (laziness).
I have only been up twelve hours.
I didn't expend much energy washing and packing.

I don't want to talk about the past few days. There was nothing worth noting, just packing and taking care of things in preparation for move-in on Tuesday.

I'm just so tired of this process. Just get me there already.

Let's get my heart beating again.

Cry Me a River Deep Enough to Drown in

• My neck hurts.
• I'm unnaturally tired. Yes. Right now. At 12:38 AM. The one who sometimes goes to bed with the sun.
• I'm angry for no good reason.
• This could be the hormones or it could be the fact that I procrastinate on every goddamn thing that really matters in my life and then I complain about it when I really start to get fucked.
• Maybe it's a combination of the two.
• I leave for school on Tuesday.
• I'm STILL missing essential supplies.
• I haven't packed.
• I need my hair redone.
• I need my computer fixed.
• I need some clothes (good luck with that, says mother).
• I'm broke as shit, you know, the result of being woefully unemployed my whole life.
• I need to get some medical form signed and sent to K or else I won't be able to get in my dorm or anything (how did I let this happen? I am STUPID!!!).
• I haven't exercised in like three days.
• I had 48 hour cramps. Didn't want to know that? Ooops. They WOULD NOT stop, despite the fact that I took enough acetaminophen for two days.
  
• My liver has probably been reduced to swiss cheese.
  
• Today I had Motrin. It works...well, now it wants to challenge that assertion, but I went a good amount of the day with only 600mg.
• My muscles are all wonky. The thought of exercising seems impossible.
• I feel like I gained 103248494493 pounds because I haven't exercised.
• I feel guilty, but see the part about wonky muscles.
• I'd better be up to par tomorrow.
• I hate life, mostly because I hate myself. Mostly because I fuck up everything and thus end up with a hateful life. It's a vicious cycle.
• Where's the goddamn Midol?
• Remember when I said I needed clothes? Yeah. I am in dire need of them. Most of my shirts are too big. And they'd better stay that way, or else you'll be throwing rose petals on my grave.
• I am worried about the things I need to do.
• I am cursing myself for choosing a private college. Tuition? 38k. I can has Wain Stait plz?
• I have to do a work study which necessitates that I work 10 hours for 10 weeks WITHOUT fail. Pocket money? Forget it. Unless, of course I work more than 10 hours.
• I am not absolutely sure if I have a job, since I had to scout it out myself because the department of whatthefuckever could not find one for me. It seems I do, but I don't know anything about hours yet.
• I may have to work two jobs.
  
• May I reiterate that I've never HAD a real job?
• Obviously, I'm worried that I will be too stupid to do my job correctly.
  
• I haven't even started my life and I already hate it.
• I'm pulling things out my ass right now, because I seem to have forgotten why I am complaining although I'm still quite annoyed at everything right now.
• My mother is the most unsupportive mother who actually gives a shit. Paradox. I don't know what the malfunction and dysfunction are, but they're there.
• We don't talk much about...much, so going off will not be a problem in that respect.
• I like it when I have the house to myself.
• I'll be glad to leave her eternal nagging.
• I'll not be glad to fend for myself but STILL rely on 'mommy' (never call her that) to send care packages.
• I'm terribly and hopelessly irresponsible and immature.
• Life is gonna rape me diagonally up the ass, I know it.
• I can forget about affording a few things I want, like a new camera (a bridge cam, Panasonic FZ18K) or a sound card or whatever it is that I want. I forget because everything's so bleak.
• I have NO sense of direction.
• I can't drive.
• I don't have a car.
• I'll get lost, without fail.
• I hope my schedule does not interfere with going to the gym. I won't have any excuses this time living like 5 minutes away from a fitness facility.
• I will kill myself if I gain the freshman anything.
• I suck at life.
  
• The thought of using a community bath makes my stomach spiral upward.
• I am happy I have a single.
• I have given up on love. I'll let it find me.
• I am worried I'll end up a wage slave and won't ever be good at anything.
• I don't think I've grown much as a person after four years of high school.
• It would be easy for me to become addicted to some substance.
• I hope I don't procrastinate in college like I did in high school. I have successfully reduced my lifespan by like a third.
• I'd rather be completely immersed in my work and whatnot to the point of not having a life (there's something I'm used to) than to have to struggle to do everything.
• I don't think K has any intramural sports. Although I am completely bereft in athleticism, I've wanted to try them. Rugby was hella fun in gym.
  
• I plan on getting sloshed for my birthday somehow.
• My birthday is on a Wednesday. WTF, lame.
• It probably won't matter when it is. I'll be in fucking Kalamazoo and I probably won't have any friends.
• I hate Michigan.
• I'm going to get hella depressed in the winter.
• I have to take an on-site placement test for Spanish because I tested out into the "202 level or higher". I don't know where exactly I tested, but mostly likely 202. I'm doomed. I lost all my Spanish taking German this year, and honestly, three years of Señorita Harper was a joke. I should fail. If I don't, I'll be in over my head.
• Our orientation schedule is the most unliberal thing for a liberal arts college. They've planned the week out like martinets. I barely have time to meet up with my future (hopefully) employer for training.
• I forgot to mention what the job might be. I might be a [computer] lab monitor. It would be bomb, because I love computers and I'm fairly knowledgeable in them.
• I have to meet him at eight in the morning (!!!). I've been waking up at like noon every day because I've been going to bed between four and six.
  
• Since we're actually leaving for the 2+ hour drive to Kalamazoo on the day of orientation/move-in, we'll probably have to get up at like four. BALLS.
• My TV is a behemoth. I don't like the thought of lugging it up two flights of stairs (good thing I'm not on the third floor). Just my luck, I'll probably drop it on my fucking foot.
• Will they have elevators to help us move? I surely hope so!
• Regarding that last bullet, that is not lazy! That is practical.
• I'm not excited to leave like everyone else was. I want to leave Detroit and this damned house, but I'm not ZOMG college!!!!11!!!11!!1!!!!123!!!1!!!1oneone!!1!!!1dostres!!11!1!!!!1!!!
• I don't seem to really get excited about anything anymore. Everything is a letdown.
• I hope a lot of these things end up being untrue some months from now.
• I hope I get the classes I wanted.
  
• I need to find a bank when I get there. They'd better let me have full access of everything although I won't be 18.
• It's annoying still being 17, although I only have a month and less than two weeks left.
• Starting over means I should hold anything back, right? I won't have to be hindered by the inevitable shock people who know me right now would have for me to fully unveil.
• Somehow I think I'll manage to fuck that up and still be debilitatingly shy.
• My nearly nonexistent self-esteem might still be a problem. I'm working on it.
• I would swear on the life of a small island country that being thin would solve most of my problems.
• I just realized it was September 11.
  
• Did you read all this shit? I think not.
  

Collecting E-Dust

I'm not a very patient person. Impatience paired with compulsiveness is not a good combination in the least. I keep checking my blog for comments and such and my profile for hits to no avail. I have realized that the views on my profile have mostly come from me. I was a bit vexed to discover this, lol. Other sites are programmed (and rightly so!) that the user cannot upset his/her own hit meter. This blog is collecting dust.

...Which is all the more reason for me to keep using it, rather than to let it fade into oblivion. I'm having a bit of a dry spell right now in everything. My poetry has been neglected, I haven't taken photos in over a month, (admittedly this has been because I have been a hermit during this time) and I have long since abandoned my sketchbook. This all bothers me. I used to be immersed in art, but something seems to have broken in me.

The urges I get to do something in these media mostly stem from guilt these days. I like to rationalize and sugarcoat my artistic inadequacy by saying that photography has replaced drawing and poetry for me, as I quickly became relatively prolific in it. Prolific, not proficient, though. I am confident that this will change. I have already sensed progression in that aspect. However, I have witnessed a degradation in my poetry. I've written three things in the past two months and they're woefully subpar compared to the things that I've cranked out in the past. They say, "if you don't use it, you lose it". I don't doubt this (it has been evidenced in my Spanish as well, but that is ANOTHER story) one bit...

One would think (or more likely, hope) that some things never diminish over time, but it seems that for me, at least, poetry is not one of them. Perhaps I need to revise my methods. I used to write when I was inspired, but noting my complete lack of inspiration (which I have suffered from over a duration of about two years now), it is obvious that that method will not work for me. I need to buckle down and exercise my 'skills' in articulation.

Once again, I find myself veering off, but I guess I never had a topic in the first place. I guess I went on that spiel to say that I hope that maintaining this blog will stimulate my brain and sharpen my general writing skills in such a way that I can apply to my poetry. Once more, this sounds like duplicitous hope, but it seems logical enough, no?

I don't know why I am writing so guidelessly. I actually wrote a list of topics that I wanted to discuss on here, but somehow everyday I ask myself, "What should I blog about?". I suppose one could call it laziness (surprise, surprise), but perhaps I should establish myself more before I go off into topics of the sort. They were all rather heavy. Actually, I just looked at my list again and I see a topic I could write about right now if I wanted to--pet peeves. Perhaps it will be my next topic. Sounds interesting enough, no? But that's operating on the assumption that someone actually gives a shit about what gets under my skin.

I'd also like to apologize for my last blog post, although I will not delete it. It was a bit out of place in the midst of previous posts. I only apologize for breaking the flow and perhaps raising a red flag amongst you readers. However, the sentiments were genuine and writing the blog post was an outlet, and that is exactly what it is for, is it not? In the future, be prepared for dark interjections of my life. Everything isn't all gravy and roses (what a tragic combination, I must say. lol) and whatever other random nouns that people use to denote utopian states of being.

I think another problem is having too much to say. It's far easier to think things in my head than it is to say them to the world wide web. For one, I understand myself and don't have to think of ways to articulate what I'm thinking, because it is I who is thinking, goddamn it. Secondly, in the time it takes for me to type said articulation (and I'm a fairly speedy typist), I've lost my train of thought and have deviated into upcoming lines or general fears of writing something unappealing.

Another trouble is redundancy. The things I am saying won't be new to a few people, yet I've got to account for the people who don't know me very well who are reading this. It's all very complicated for something that masquerades as being so simple. I keep to myself most of the time, so I've got a lot of time to think. There are a lot of instances where I say, "oh, I should write this on my blog", but it just doesn't happen. I've always mused on the idea of an invention that would read your thoughts and put them into words (the quintessence, pinnacle, epitome, and apotheosis of laziness!), but that would be disastrous. My train of thought is constantly making unscheduled trips and becoming derailed altogether. But I think it would be easier to edit stray thoughts than relay processed thoughts sometimes.

Final thoughts: I'm really fucking verbose. And boring. I also abuse parentheses, which detracts from the fluidity of my thoughts. This blog is like talking to myself, but going through MUCH more trouble to be crazy. It's doomed...

That's all for now (thank goodness, you say!).