The influence

if I weren't so empty, cheap thrills wouldn't be so central in my life

I count down every week to when I can get drunk

it's not just the state of drunkenness itself

I do like the socialization

and the dancing

and I feel like someone

when I am doing those things

although it all disappears once the party is over

and no one remembers you after that

and how they thought you were so cool

which was probably only because both of you were drunk

and the feeling of being desirable is gone after your dance partners are gone

and the feeling of being empowered in your own sexuality is gone when the guy you're making out with assumes he can get in your pants

and the feeling of being sexually free is gone when you limit yourself to guys although you could probably make out with some drunk girl, but then you'd be taking advantage of her

and everything is just gone afterward

including the water in your body

but it feels so good at the time

so you wait for it

and you make people worry because they can't understand what it's like to feel nothing

or if they do, they've forgotten

and don't need a sugar-coated nothing to replace nothing

and so they judge you under the guise of concern

and it kills you because even when you're something worthy in their eyes, you still have nothing

and when you drink against their wishes, you can at least pretend you have something

and are something